Last week, I found myself caught between two loved ones in an ugly argument. Have you ever joined a conversation, only to realize too late that it was spiraling out of control? That was my situation. I sat down at a party, hoping to join in, only to discover the conversation had soured before I arrived. My safeguarded inner peace was now compromised.
Both family members are dear to me. I felt uncomfortable as I sat between them in their volatile exchange. It seemed I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Should I say something? But to whom, and what would I say without seeming to take sides? I care about both people, and the last thing I wanted was to be in the middle.
In moments like these, our natural tendency is to either suppress our feelings or react to others. But neither response offers real peace. Conflicts among family and friends are inevitable, and avoiding tension altogether is impossible.
This is where present-moment awareness helps me stay grounded. As my mind raced with possible solutions, there was no problem to solve—except the one within myself.
You can learn to let go and re-center in moments like this, keeping your peace when others struggle to do the same.
Reaction: Fanning the Flames, Burning Your Inner Peace
I’ll be honest—on the suppression-reaction spectrum, I’m a definite reactor. Like most people, my behavior depends on the context, but I often lean toward reacting. So, when this argument broke out, I felt a strong urge to jump in.
I made a few “referee” comments as the conflict unfolded. My voice stayed calm, but it was still my own version of reacting.
At some point, though, it became clear this argument wouldn’t resolve that evening. Then, one of the participants made a snide comment aimed at me. That was my cue to stand up and walk away—a small reaction, but one that prevented a larger blow-up.
Here’s my tip: if you tend to react more than suppress, check in with yourself when things start heating up. Think of your anger like an elevator with floors from 1 to 10. At level 1, you may feel slight resistance in your body. By 10, you’re out of control. For reactors, monitoring this level is crucial. Notice when you’re nearing the top floors and take a break.
A simple way to do this is by stepping away. If appropriate, make a small comment to excuse yourself, or even invent a reason if you need to. The key is creating space to check in, bringing awareness to your strong feelings.
It may feel paradoxical, but by tuning into these sensations, it becomes easier to let them go. Then you can return to your inner peace and re-engage with the situation.
Suppression: Stacking the Deck, Taking Your Inner Peace from Yourself
It might seem that if reacting only fans the flames, then suppression must be the key. But that’s not the case—and that’s a good thing. Emotional suppression traps pain in the body, leaving it nowhere to go. People who suppress emotions carry them like a weight.
After my family members argued, I was on a party bus with one of them as we relocated to the after-party. She saw from my face that I was upset, and we explored the emotions in a healthy way. I didn’t hide that the situation had bothered me, but I also didn’t add any harmful reaction.
Instead, we made space to feel the emotional weight of the fallout. This openness helped us both move on as the evening continued. If I had swallowed my pain, forced a smile, and said everything was “fine,” the night wouldn’t have gone so well.
For emotional suppressors, it’s crucial to find a safe space alone or with one or two trusted people. Allow yourself to actually feel what you’re feeling. If it’s hard, and you end up raising your voice, crying, or reacting in some other way—that’s okay. In the right environment, it’s safe to explore your emotions. This openness is the only way to release them, so they don’t stay stuck and cause more pain.
Coming Back to Your Senses
I love the phrase “coming back to our senses” because it’s true (Jon Kabat-Zinn got to the book title first). Returning to presence is a matter of returning to sensory awareness. This shift quiets ego-driven thoughts and emotions, putting you back in the present.
During the argument at the dinner party, I stayed focused on my breathing. That focus was critical as I walked away to breathe alone and calm my emotions. It also helped later on the bus, talking with one of my family members.
You don’t have to use breath as your only sensory anchor. You can turn to touch, sounds in your environment, or any movement you’re doing. The main point is to find something sensory to anchor your awareness.
Avoid getting entangled in reactions, whether acting on them or suppressing them. Next time you feel the pull to react or suppress, shift to the present moment instead. What can you feel, hear, or see around you? How is your posture? How does the temperature feel?
Bringing attention to your senses without adding thoughts is the key. Stay with your physical sensations without emotional or mental narration. Let thoughts and emotions come and go on their own. They don’t need you to bury them or express them in any specific way. Find your sensory anchor and stay with it.
Claiming Your Inner Peace
You can always come back to the mantra: The actions of others don’t have to affect my peace. You can hold on to a sense of well-being, even when things or people aren’t acting as you’d like. Instead of reacting, try observing the reaction. Instead of suppressing, try expressing—when it’s safe and comfortable.
Through it all, return to the present moment by engaging your senses. With practice, you’ll get better at bringing yourself back, even when others do things that bother you. Go far enough down this path, and no one will be able to disrupt your inner peace.
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